


Library Checkout

by HostisHumaniGeneris



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack, Gen, Swords & Sorcery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-11 19:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20159095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HostisHumaniGeneris/pseuds/HostisHumaniGeneris
Summary: Ka really doesn't like being this far North.  Doesn't like the climate, or the language, or the people much.  Still, she and her companion, "The Professor" just need to make one big score and she can be on her way home.  Unfortunately, there are complications.





	Library Checkout

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Silex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silex/gifts).

The Professor carefully studied the dais, circling it slowly and carefully, muttering to himself, a tongue she could not recognize. Ka grew bored of this. She tapped her clawed foot against the stone and growled. “Move faster.”

She hated using his tongue. She had difficulty forcing human words through her muzzle, and her proficiency with this particular human dialect was lacking. She could make herself understood, but only simply. The Professor had been with her long enough to realize she was smarter than her speech would indicate, but others didn’t, and that annoyed her.

“That I’m going slow is why we haven’t tripped any of the traps.” The Professor shot back, reaching a hand for the book on the dais, before pulling it back. “You still hear them?”

She let out a grumble, which she knew the Professor had learned meant “no”. The sound of distant screaming had ceased long ago, but she was still anxious to get this over with. They had a solid head start, but had lost it with all the delays. Then again, those traps the Professor had been so cautious about were functioning, judging by the screams.

He nodded, licking his lips slightly. He was wide eyed, drawing in deep breaths. The book belonged to some ancient human king—she still had the odd moment of confusion over how important _kings _were to human—and was their ticket across the sea.

To home.

She hadn’t ended up on this continent by choice, and was desperate to go home. The Professor? After the incident that lead to their meeting, he was happy to latch on to her as long as her intention was to get as far away from the borders of the current dukedom as possible. The Professor was a robber, like her. He tried to couch it differently, using the different human terms. “Thief” stole. “Robber” stole with violence. He was one, she was the other.

Right now, they were both stealing from the dead. Graverobbers, even if they weren’t using violence here.

She hated this language.

“Want the book?” A clawed palm against the leather cover practically made him jump, and she withdrew the hand. She wondered if it was the Professor was simply being too cautious, or if there was a serious risk. His reaction told her the latter.

“Okay… I think… I know the proper incantation…” The Professor said. Before being a thief, he was a scholar, apparently—disgraced himself and decided to use his knowledge to obtain money even if he was not welcome in polite society.

While he intoned, she turned, ears perking up. She gripped the spear she had fashioned from a large tree limb and fragments of metal she’d picked from the last group of the Duke’s men who tried to apprehend them—the swords on this damn continent were so hard to get used to. She considered warning the Professor, but figured he didn’t need the distraction.

“Hey!” A harsh voice called from the hallway. Behind her, Ka heard the heavy thud of the book falling to the ground, the sudden shout surprising the Professor.

The intruder was tall, muscular, and a woman? That was surprising. Human women were smaller, even by human standards. It was weird and a bit off-putting. But she was pretty sure that this particular intruder, carrying a very large sword, was a woman.

The professor swore and drew his sword. He was not impressive, for a human, but he was tricky in a fight and despite his caution, he had always stood his ground when they needed violence. “Do you have any idea what you just did?!”

“I dodged a falling ceiling, nearly fell down a pit, _and _had to cleave the last bastard who wanted the treasure before me in half.” The woman said, angrily. “You and your pet had best get out of my way.”

She was actually looking forward to this. For the past week she’d been so _passive_. The Professor had to handle the negotiations—his contacts were the only ones who could help them slip across the border, and he knew the tombs and treasures of this land, and she had to begrudgingly admit he knew more about plundering these trap filled pits than she did. Being so dependent on a man was… well, the humans deemed that sort of thing “emasculating”, but she was pretty sure the context was different here than home.

“Sorry.” Ka said. “My pet and I stay.”

The Barbarian grinned broadly, she liked the joke. It was good knowing she could get that bit of humor out in such an unfamiliar tongue. Out the corner of her eye, she saw the Professor look… _hurt_? Possibly. Ka shrugged her way out of the furs she had been wearing—this Northern Continent had been too gods damned cold, and it annoyed her to no end that the Professor brought up the fact she already _had _fur. Water turned to rock it got so cold here, how was she supposed to deal with that?

"Now, now, now, there's no need to do this." The Professor said, in the tone that Ka understood to mean _keep her talking until we can stab her_. "I am the Professor and she is..."

"Ka." The hyena said. Her full name was much longer, Kashi Na Tay Cro Cu Ta, but after hearing humans mangle it too many times, Ka was fine. She hid her name to keep protect it from being spoken wrongly, not quite like but not quite unlike how the Professor hid his to protect himself. "And you are..."

"Getting the treasure." Was that a human name? Or... was it...

The Barbarian tensed, sword raised. Ka mirrored her, spearhead forward, hunched down. In an attempt to try to gain some measure of authority back, the Professor said. “You’re not getting the book. _And _you interrupted my incantation!”

The Barbarian immediately deflated, scowling. Ka kept her attention on the woman as she asked “Book? _That’s_ the treasure?”

“I mean, this is the tomb of Olfric the Wise, Sorceror King of the…” The Professor tried to explain. One of his many quirks was to forget important things when he had an excuse to lecture and prove how much knowledge he had—important things like the fact his pupil was a Barbarian trying to steal from them were irrelevant in the face of an opportunity to lecture.

“Yes, but is there _gold_?” The Barbarian asked, voice even harsher. “Word going round was there was a treasure that some gangly idiot and his werewolf friend were trying to get, and… but _books_, really?”

“Yes there is gold. You can have none.” Ka said. There were minor trinkets strewn about the chamber, but nothing she intended on dragging out of here. She did want a fight, though, so if the Barbarian wanted gold, she’d want the gold more just to have an excuse to fight her.

“Also, my friend here is a Hyena. They’re a manner of creature from continents far South of here…” The Professor began another longwinded explanation, cut off by a growl from Ka. “And you’re outnumbered”

“She can count.” A voice, of an accent Ka could not place, rang out, from the direction of the Barbarian. “I think.”

“Hush you.” The Barbarian said, staring at her sword. “You’ll taste blood soon enough.”

“Are you… talking to your…” The Professor began, only to be cut off again.

“Yes she is.” The voice rang out again.

“Magical sword.” The Barbarian shrugged. 

“Really? That is… that could be… priceless!”

“If you want to pry me from her hands, your welcome to try.” The sword said. “However, if you’d like to remain living, I’d suggest getting out of our path.”

“First think you said all day that I agree with.” The Barbarian said, grinning wickedly.

“IDIOTS!” Yet another voice boomed. “Greedy, cretinous fools!”

The dim chamber was now bright, shadows dancing in front of Ka, from a sudden brilliant light behind her. She could make out the Barbarian narrowing her eyes, hand raised. Ka, despite reluctance to take her eyes off her rival, turned, and came face to face with a man, a mist, neither, both.

“You know that incantation I was trying to do…” The Professor trailed off.

“It would not have worked anyway!” The spirit turned his gdaze. “Fools, you have trespassed upon the tomb of my Liege, and for that you shall all pay! You’ll wish you were like the fools that were caught in the traps.”

“Really?” The Barbarian said. “Because I saw some of them on my way up here, and…well…”

“You used the corpses as a bridge to cross the spike pits!”

“I mean… their loss is my gain.” The Barbarian said. 

“Spike pits?” Ka rasped. She had a fear of them—it had to do with something back home, and she shuddered. “There were spike pits?!”

“I led us around them.” The Professor said, conciliatory. He must’ve picked up something in her tone, and she growled again. She did not want _pity_ from him.

“Yes, you and your dog oozed through such carefully laid traps, while _you_…” The spirit said, glowering at the Barbarian “Barreled through with wild abandon.”

“But now you have all come to this place, seeking my master’s secrets…”

“And gold.” The Barbarian said.

“Gold is what you want?” The spirit said, stroking his beard and grinning. “Perhaps that could be arranged.”

Lights danced, illuminating a dozen suits of armor at the far, shadowed edges of the room. They were dark colored, but as they moved, and metal scraped on metal, that patina was worn away, revealing gleaming yellow metal.

“Interlopers, you may die now!” The Spirit said. A dozen golden blade rose as they armor clanked forward.

And thus the battle was joined.

And quickly ended.

Gold made _terrible_ armor. The Professor narrated, sticking back while Ka and Barbarian charged head on—his blade was slim, perfect for sliding into something vital. Not so useful against animate armor. But he still had time to teach them all that gold was heavy and soft while occasionally bouncing some stray rocks against helms that dented easily and moved slowly.

Apparently whoever prepared the tomb of Olfric the Wise was not wise themselves, because animate armor made of steel would have been vastly more difficult than these pieces. Joints crumpled, whatever magic animated them had difficulty moving the suits, and by the end, everyone save the spirit was happy. Ka had her fight, the Professor had an uninterrupted lecture, and the Barbarian had more gold than she could carry.

“It’s not over yet! You have your gold, wench, but you’ll never spend it!” The spirit gestured wildly at the Barbarian, who was appraising a golden helm. “And you two graverobbers. Are you just here to slake your greed, like her?

“I just want home.” Ka said. At the moment, she’d settle for just any place quiet where she could sleep and not have to hear a lecture. Quiet and warm. “The book will get me passage there.”

The ghost opened his mouth, then closed it, finger raised. “I… I was going to come up with some sort of ironic means of destroying you, but… I don’t… how do I make that work?”

There was silence as Ka looked at the Professor, and the Professor looked at Ka, and the Barbarian set down the helmet and looked at Ka, and the Spirit looked at the Floor.

“AND YOU!” The Spirit roared, looking at the Professor. “Taking advantage of this poor beast’s naivete…”

“Um… trust me, if I tried that I would not have a lower jaw to even attempt an incantation.” The Professor said. That earned a barking laugh from both Ka and the Barbarian. “So, Sir Yvain, I do…”

The spirit's brilliance grew blinding in its intensity

“What did you call me?” The spirit practically shrieked.

“Sir Yvain, King Olfric’s royal advisor. I figured it had to be you, for legends spoke of your loyalty to him and thus, I deduced that it must be you, who stand guard over your lord, even in death” The Professor said, dramatically timing his words, proud of his recitation.

“No, I was King Olfric’s Royal advisor, but I am Ygor” The spirit said. “Yvain was my idiot cousin. He was the one who insisted we needed gold armor for the King’s tomb.”

“I… I’ve never heard of you.” The Professor said, confused.

“Wait… Ygor?” The Barbarian’s sword spoke. “Oooohh….”

“What are you… you know him?” The Barbarian asked, suspiciously.

“Yes!” The sword said excitedly. “I was crafted for a knight serving King Olfric… although, I mean, you know there’s so many King Olfrics that I wasn’t sure this was the right one. But yeah, a Ygor serving an Olfric, and this tomb is familiar…”

“You know the tomb?! Why didn’t you tell me about the traps?!” The Barbarian tightened her grip.

“You can barely remember your name after a night of mead and carousing with serving girls and stable boys.” The sword pointedly replied. “It’s been _centuries_ since I was here last.”

“So wait… are you saying that Sir Yvain _wasn’t_ the king’s greatest advisor?” The Professor said, genuinely interested. The sparks of scholarship briefly igniting under the Thief that had grown from it.

“Is that what the history books say?” The sword asked. “Guy was a dolt.”

“But I’ve never heard of a Sir Ygor before.” The Professor said. "All of the histories I've read of the epoch attributed much to Sir Yvain."

“I’ve been… forgotten? After such service? And people remember _Yvain_?” The spirit said, dropping to his spectral knees. “Forgotten… Yvain.”

Something rumbled, deep below their feet. Shooting a glance at the Professor, Ka grabbed him and started running. Carrying her sword and an armful of dented gold, the Barbarian swiftly joined them. The floors shook and masonry fell and dust choked them and Ka did not stop running. Not stop running at all. Running was... there were variables. If something was chasing you, the simple solution was to not be the slowest, and you would survive. If a building was collapsing, well, it didn't matter who was fastest if they couldn't leave in time

Either way, the strategy remained run as fast as possible.

Unless there were traps ahead.

That was why she was in the middle, the Barbarian in front. A few paces ahead. Enough to serve as a warning, but hopefully Ka wasn't running too slow. Hope over a pit, duck under some blades, pick up the pace around the griffin... did the Barbarian trigger _every trap_ in this place? Still the trio reached the end of their hellish marathon, while the ground became less stable, and the ceiling became less upright as they went along. When light at the end of the tunnel was visible, Ka just bolted full speed, nearly bowling the Barbarian over. Then the Professor, hot on her heels, carrying his newfound tome. Then the Barbarian, swearing her head off. They all landed on the dirt outside the tomb's entrance, as an echoing, phantasmal voice starteld birds and rattled their ears.

"YVAAAAIIIN!"


End file.
